Holiday Hijinx At River's Casino.

Happy holidays everyone. I'm doing a special feature this time. Instead of Pariha's I'm going to the River's Casino in Pittsburgh's North Side as a special guest with none other than the big mack daddy himself. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. This one promises to be a holiday howl. So hang on to your wallets and purses as we go to River's Casino.

(I arrive at the main lobby of the glamous River's Casino. THere is a big crowd here tonight. I look around but I see no sign of Luke Ravenstahl. I'm soon approached by a young woman in a black dress. She is accompanied by a large rottweiler. There are two devices with blinking lights strapped to the dog's sides. Upon closer inspection the devices appear to be small slot machines. The woman I recognize as Shelly Jones. The casino's director of public relations.)

Shelly: Good evening, sir. Welcome to the River's Casino.

BKN:  Thank you. I was suppose to be here with the mayor. But he hasn't shown up yet.

Shelly:  I was waiting for him as well. We have a unique situation regarding the mayor. The casino has a strict policy regarding minors on the premesis. But since he's the mayor we are willing to make an acception. But only on the stipulation that I accompany him for the night and make sure that he stays away from the bar.

BKN:  You can't be serious. I mean really. I think that the mayor is a bit older and more mature than you think.

(I hear the loud screeching of tires outside. I turn and look through the entrance to the casino and see a large black Hummer had just stopped outside. On the side of the Hummer is a large white bat symbol similar to what you would see in a Batman comic. There are also long flashing christmas lights taped to the sides, hood, and roof of the vehicle. Also on the roof of the Hummer is a flashing red and blue police light. I then see Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl climbing out of the Hummer's passenger's side window instead of opening the door. Ravenstahl is wearing a Santa Clause suit with a black Batman symbol on his chest, and a long black cape. He is also wearing a black mask and a Santa hat.)

BKN:  I retract that statement.

(I also see Ravenstahl's bodyguard, Jimmy, wearing his black suit and hat with the Mickey mouse ears. As usual Jimmy has a miserable scowl on his face. I start to sympathize with him. Ravenstahl and Jimmy enter the casino.)

Ravenstahl:  What's up. clowns? Here I am.

BKN:  I see that. You mind telling me what's up with the costume?

Ravenstahl:  Costume? Costume my ass. This is my official Christmas uniform, you fool.

BKN:  An official uniform?

Ravenstahl:  Is there an echo in your brain or something? That's what I said. A uniform. I know. I Know. I can tell by the look on your face that you think I'm full of crap. But look at it and you'll see that it makes sense. The Santa part comes from the fact that it's the Christmas holiday season. And the Batman parts come from the fact that I'm a public servant. Put them both together and you get the ultimate public servant.

BKN:  I have to admit. It's an original idea.

Ravenstahl:  Damn straight. I'm just giving the idea a test drive. But later on I'm gonna require every city employee to wear a costume like this.

BKN:  I can just imagine being pulled over by a cop and having him give me a lump of coal instead of a ticket. If this is what you're doing for Christmas I can imagine what you have in store for Easter.

Jimmy:  I'm not wearing a bunny suit.

Ravenstahl:  A bunny suit? I never thought of that. You're a genious, Jimmy.

Jimmy:  Oh joy.

Shelly:  Welcome to River's Casino, Mr Mayor. As we agreed, I'll be your chaparone for the evening.

Ravenstahl:  You're my what? Is that like a date or what ever? Great. Then shake a leg, sweetheart and let's do some gambling. I'm ready to hit the slots. Is this your dog?

(Raverstahl reaches out to pet the rottweiler. The dog snaps at his hand. Then lets out a loud growl.)

Ravenstahl:  Jeeze. What's up with the mutt? Is he outta his mind?

BKN:  I didn't get to ask you, Shelly. What is up with the dog?

Shelly:  This is Slots. The River's Casino's new official mascot.

BKN:  Slots? Cute name for a dog.

(Slots gives a gleeful bark as I reach out my hand to pet his head.)

Ravenstahl:  WHat's up with this? How come he didn't try to rip your arm off? You got bacon in your pants or something?

BKN:  I guess he's not a big Batman fan. Shall we get started?

(I follow Shelly, Ravenstahl, and Jimmy as they walk through the crowded casino. Ravenstahl gets prolonged stares from several patrons seated in front of their slot machines as he passes by. Finally Ravenstahl comes to a machine that features a smiling horse and rider.)

Ravenstahl:  Here we go. Cowboy Cash. YEEEHAAA! This sounds like a winner. Let me sit my ass down.

(Ravenstahl sits down at the machine and puts in a $5. He presses the buttons on the machine and I watch as the symbols on the screen spin for several seconds. Then they stop.)

Ravenstahl:  Two rattlesnakes and an indian? I lost.

BKN:  Looks that way.

(Ravenstahl continues to press the machine's buttons to play again and again, until his $5 is gone.)

Ravenstahl:  I lost. What the hell is this?

BKN:  THat's why it's called gambling.

Ravenstahl:  What are you all of a sudden? A priest? Why don't you shut up?

(Slots starts to growl at Ravenstahl.)

Ravenstahl:  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Somebody call off the dog. Jimmy, give the mutt a dollar or something.

Jimmy:  Yes sir.

(Jimmy takes a dollar from his pocket and places it in one of the slot machines strapped to the dog's sides. He presses a button and the row of symbols on the small screen begin to spin. Then they stop. THree gold stars in a row. The machine comes to life with bells and more blinking lights. Slots begins to bark cheerfully.)

Jimmy:  Well what do you know. I won. I hit the jackpot.

BKN:  how much did you win?

(Jimmy presses a button to recieve a printed voucher from the machine.)

Jimmy:  I won $1.000.

BKN:  That's great.

Ravenstahl:  Yeah. Great. Really great. Don't let it go to your head. Remember that $1.000 goes to the city.

Jimmy: What? How do you figure?

Ravenstahl:  Excuse me. Pardon my gas. Have you forgotten why we're here? We have to raise money to help the stinkin pension fund. THis is official city business. We aint here on no picnic.

BKN:  Do you mean to tell me that you're trying to fix the pension fund by playing the slots?

Ravenstahl:  What does it look like I'm doing here, jackass? I aint here to bake cookies. We need that money and several of my other plans didn't work. I tried raising taxes but all these spineless geeks bitched and moaned. The lottery didn't help. I sold tin cans. I collected copper and scrap metal. All I got was chump change.

Jimmy: And what you also got was a bill to fix the plumbing from several city garages where you stripped the copper pipes from.

Ravenstahl:  I already told you that I thought them garages was empty. Ok? Now let's quit gum flappin and get our asses back to work. We may have to put some overtime into this.

(Slots again starts to grown as he stares at Ravenstahl. Ravenstahl puts $20 into the machine and plays again. After several minutes he still loses.)

Ravehstahl:  WHat the hell is wrong with this stupid machine? I got cheated here.

BKN:  I say again, Mr Mayor. That's why they call it gambling.

Ravenstahl:  Are you gonna quote me from the bible next? You know what? Here's an ash tray. Why don't you perform the last rites on these cigarette butts? Hey honey buns. Can you help me out here?

SHelly: Excuse me. Did you just call me honey buns?

Ravenstahl: No. I was talking to the dog. I'm losing my ass here. Help me out, will ya?

SHelly:  How can I help you? Other than tie you down in a straight jacket?

Ravenstahl:  You know? Help me out a little. You work here. Right? Then you gots the inside scoop on all the machines. So maybe you can let me in on which machines put out and which ones suck.

SHelly:  I really don't have that information, sir.

Ravenstahl:  Oh come on. It's just between us. Just point me in the direction of a winner. I won't tell anybody.

Shelly:  I don't think I can help you with that Mr Mayor.

Ravenstahl: Well then give me a kiss.

(Slots gives out a loud growl.)

SHelly: I should say not.

Ravenstahl:  Some date you're turning out to be. The hell with this machine. Let's play something else.

(We next follow Ravenstahl as he walks through the casino until he comes to a Star Wars themed machine.)

Ravenstahl:  STar Wars. Alright. Use the force, Luke. Luke! Luke! I am your father. The force is gonna win me some cash tonight.

(Ravenstahl puts in $20 and presses the machine's buttons. After playing for several minutes he still comes up a loser.)

Ravenstahl:  Oh come on. What the hell is this? After all the time I spent watching every damn Star Wars movie I can't get something back?

BKN:  Maybe this just isn't your night, Mr Mayor.

Ravenstahl:  Just aint my night? You got a calandar in your pocket or something? Why don't you take it out and show me what nights I got?

(Jimmy walks over to a Lord of the Rings machine at Ravenstahl's right and puts in a dollar. He presses a button and the symbols on the screen begin to spin. then they stop on a row of four gold rings.)

Jimmy: Look at that. Can you believe this luck?

BKN:  Jimmy. This is the first time I've seen you smile since I've known you. How much did you win?

(Jimmy presses a buton to get his cash voucher.)

Jimmy:  I won another $1.000.

Ravenstahl:  So that's two grand going into the pension fund. You're doing great, Jimmy. As a reward I'm giving you an extra fruit cake when wee get back to the office.

Jimmy: In this job when it comes to a fruit cake at the office Christmas is just another day.

Ravenstahl:  WHat? What was that?

Jimmy:  Just thinking out loud, sir.

Ravenstahl:  Oh. Ok. You know what? Screw this stupid machine. I'm playing something else.

(Ravenstahl gets up and heads for another machine several feet away. This one especially grabs his attention.)

Ravenstahl: Alright! Check it out! It's a Batman machine. Batman aint gonna let me down. You just watch.

(Across from the Batman machine I see a familiar character propped up on a tall barstool in front of a James Bond Slot machine. It's none other than Gus the Groundhog. And he appears to be trying to put a lottery scratch off ticket into the machine. Gus turns at calls to get Shelly's attention.)

Gus: Hey sweetheart A little help here. This machine isnt working.

Shelly:  That's because you're trying to put a lottery ticket in there instead of cash. We were already through this, Mr Gus.

BKN:  Gus. Haven't you learned yet that lottery scratch off tickets can't be used as currency?

Gus:  Why not? It's a winner.

Ravenstahl:  Look at this. Somebody forget to put some fresh cheese on the rat traps in here?

Shelly: Now Mr Mayor. Gus has a right to be here as much as you do. Perhaps even more so since he's over 21. And as long as he has actual money to spend.

Gus:  I wish I did have money, toots. But these tickets are all I've got.

Jimmy:  Here. Let me help you out.

(Jimmy reaches into his pocket and gives Gus a dollar.)

Gus:  THanks pal.

(Gus places the dollar into the machine and presses a button. The symbols on the screen start to spin. Then they stop to form a row of four Goldfinger's.)

Gus:  Well look at that. I won.

BKN:  Yes. You won $500 on that single play. Congradulations Gus.

Ravenstahl:  Yeah. Rat luck if you ask me. Let me show you numb skulls how to really win the big bucks.

(I watch as Ravenstahl puts in a $100 bill into the machine. After several minutes of watching him press the button over and over again his credits in the machine are finally depleated. He flies into a rage and leaps up from his seat.)

Ravenstahl:  What the hell is this? This stinkin machine is a cheater. Jimmy, Shoot this damn thing.

Jimmy: How many time do I have to tell you. I can't do things like that.

Ravenstahl:  Well then what good are you?

(I look over at Gus to check on his progress.)

BKN: Gus seems to be doing ok. Check it out. His winnings are now at $1,500.

Ravenstahl: What? How the hell can he do that? He must be using mirrors or something. Jimmy, search this rat. Full body cavity search.

Jimmy:  Sorry. I left my rubber gloves at the office.

(SLots once again begins to growl at the mayor.)

Ravenstahl:  Will somebody give this mutt a steak so that he can get off of my case?

(Jimmy goes over to a nearby slot machine and puts in a $20 bill. He presses a button and then the machine goes wild with sirens and flashing lights.)

Jimmy:  Will you look at that. I won the jackpot. I placed the whole $20 on a single play and won $10,000.

BKN:  That's great, Jimmy.

Ravenstahl:  Alright. My man. That will be a big help to the pension fund. That and the rest of the cash you won.

Jimmy:  Your ass it will. I quit.

(Jimmy presses a button to get his cash voucher. Then he runs from the area.)

Ravenstahl:  Hey. Where the hell are you going? You can't run out on me. You know what? I'm gonna give you a raise and then fire your ass. That will fix you. You got a raise, pal. You just got a raise.

Gus:  Sorry to see that you're having a bout of bad luck, buddy. I can spot you a loan if you like.

(Ravenstahl's only response to Gus' offer is to walk over and kick his stoll over. Gus falls to the floor.)

BKN:  That was reallly mature.

Ravenstahl:  You know what? Just shut your stinkin trap. And you know what else? This whole plan stinks. So it looks like I'm gonna have to switch to my plan B.

BKN:  Plan B?

Ravenstahl:  Yeah. Plan B. Listen up everybody. Stop what the hell you're doing and listen here. Since I need to raise some quick cash to cover the pension fund I'm gonna have to raise the city's parking rates back to $3 again.

(I get a cold chill as I watch several people get up from their slot machines and walk over to listen to Ravenstahl. I hear several people grumbling. Slots is still growling. In fact, he starts to sound louder and more angered.)

Ravenstahl:  And that's not all. I'm also. going to have to tack on an extra $1 to the rates as well. That will make it...Hey pal. How much will that make it?

BKN:  $4 an hour.

(I watch and listen as the grumbling from the people grows louder. The crowd is also growing bigger.)

Ravenstahl:  And finally to make sure that all you high rollers do your part to pay your fair share the city will now charge the same parking rates for you to park in the casino's garage.

(The crowd has now grown into a mob. I see that several people have somehow found pitchforks and torches. This mob did not like the news from Ravenstahl and are now definately out for blood.)

Ravbenstahl:  No need to thank me for all this. After all. The big mac daddy of Pittsburgh is here to serve you.

(The mob charges towards Ravenstahl. At the same time Slots barks and snarls at him. Then lunges to attack. Ravenstahl turns and runs from the area as Slots bites at his cape and pursues him while joined by the angry mob. Since Ravenstahl has mixed Batman with Santa Clause I don't know who his best chance would be to turn to for help. Robin or his eight reindeer. Like I always say about gambling. Always bet on a sure thing. Merry Christmas Everyone.

Holiday Gift Ideas.

Having trouble finding that perfect gift? I've got a few ideas if you want to find something different and unique for that special person.

1. Charlie Sheen Drug Test Kit.

You spend the weekend partying and the boss man bugs you about taking a drug test at work on Monday morning. What do you do if you need a positive result to come out smelling like a rose? Take the Charlie Sheen drug test kid. Do it all yourself and show your boss that you're as clean as a whistle. Or do the opposite and show your freinds that you're the ultimate party animal. A few drops here, a few drops there and you can paint your own drug test like it's a Rembrant. White lab coat not included.

2. Lindsay Lohan jeweled ankle monitor.

Be the talk of the cell block with the Lindsay Lohan ankle jeweled monitor. From Incarcerated. Lindsay Lohan's very own line of designer made ankle monitors. Diamonds are forever, but your jail sentence doesnt have to be. Strut your stuff with an ankle monitor adorned with the finest jewels and flashing lights. And it even comes with a remote so that you can turn on the lights and alarm siren. The delux model even comes with a working C D player and AM/FM radio.

3. John Edwards Cheatin Spouse Rolodex.

What two timer wouldn't want this retro gift? Keep track of those multiple mistresses with a vintage rolodex that keeps the names, addresses, and phone numbers of every other woman in your life.

4. Anthony Weiner dress up doll.

Ever wonder how Barbie would react if she caught Ken wearing a fishnet body stocking and high heels? Now you can explore your wildest fantasies with the Anthony Weiner doll. He can be the bride of frankenstein, a high school cheerleader, or a Viking marauder in search of a thong. Handcuffs and barbed wire sold separately.

5. Herman Cain traiding card game. Datenite.

Will she say yes? Or does no mean no? Which woman out of a deck of 75 cards would agree to a date with Mr Cain? And which ones would rather gag themselves with a Slinky. Find out with this ever expanding collectable card game.

6. The Pittaburgh Pirate Chia Pet.

Plant your seeds and add a little water into this ceramic Chia head of your favorite Pittsburgh Pirate and watch it do nothing. Actual plant growth may take place over a nineteen year period.

7. Who's The Man Board Game.

The only board game that takes Monopoly to a whole new level. Play as a newly elected politician traveling along a spiral path to reach that shining ultimate goal at the end. The White House. Along the way will you raise taxes? Fall in love with that sexy intern? Make that backroom deal? Or will you fail to win re-election and wind up in the slammer? Find out when you play Who's The Man.

8. The Pittsburgh Pirate Clapper Game.

The only electronic board game where you decide the fate of the team. Watch your plastic miniature players travel across the vibrating board. And with a roll of the dice and aclap of your hands you canlead them on to victory. Or watch them fall on their asses and go home and wait for the next season. Only you and the Clapper can decide.

9. The Luke Ravenstahl Dart Board Set.

Shoot your dart and hope to hit the bullseye and win the ultimate prize. $14.000.000 to plug the pension fund hole. Just don't hit the parking tax spots or your dart may just end up poking you in the ass.

10. World of Warcraft expansion pack. The Legion of Losers.

For the first time play as your favorite celebrity or politician in this highly popular online PC game. Will you be Ed Rendell, The starving ogre? Charlie Sheen, the nude berserker. Or Joe Biden, the addled conjuror? Ravage the World of Warcraft when you play as one of 10 members from the fearsom Legion of Losers.

Celebrity Double Jeopardy. Round Two.

Hello everyone. Alex Trebeck is on vacation this week so I've been asked once again to be the guest host on Jeopardy. And we've got an exciting show lined up for you tonight with a trio of celebrity contestants. Our first contestant is that ever popular mascot for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Straight from under the 10th street bridge is Ship Wreck Sammy. Contestant number two likes to refer to himself as Batman. And the Big Mack Daddy. Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl. And our third contestant is none other than Pennsylvania's official spokes rat. If he can reach the podium. Gus the Groundhog. Strap yourselves in for this wild ride and lets get started.

(I arrive in the studio and go to my podium. I see that Sammy and Ravenstahl are standing at their separate podiums. Gus is sitting on top of a barstool in front of his podium. I start the show.)

BKN:  Good evening everyone. And welcome once again to Jeopardy. And I'd like to welcome our guests, Shipwreck Sammy, Luke Ravenstahl, and Gus the Groundhog. Let's get started. And here are our categories. Insects, Sci Fi, Gangsters, TV Land, At The Movies, and Mythical Maniacs. Sammy, you want to start?

Sammy:  Sure thing, dude. Which one do I pick?

BKN:  Which ever one you want. Just start at $100 first.

Sammy:  I'm not too crazy about insects. Not since that time last week when I woke up in that alley and had those spiders crawling in my pants. You ever had that happen?

BKN:  Not lately. You need to pick a category.

Sammy:  I'll take TV Land for $100, dude.

BKN:  What TV show changed the names to protect the innocent?

Sammy:  Beats the hell outta me. I'll have to pass on this one, dude. You don't get many chances to watch TV when you spend the night sleeping in a dumpster. Unless you get a chance to look in somebody's window.

BKN:  We need to move on. Mayor Ravenstahl. Care to answer?

Ravenstahl:  That sounds like some kind of cop show question. I aint too good with those. Unless it was the A-Team or something.

BKN:  That leaves Gus.

Gus:  What was Dragnet?

BKN:  Correct.

Gus:  I'll take Sci Fi for $100.

BKN:  These warlike aliens are the distant cousins to the benevolent Vulcans in the TV series, Star Trek.

Gus:  Who are the Romulans?

BKN:  That is correct.

Ravenstahl:  Hold on. How can he get these two right? I think he's cheating.

BKN: Or maybe he has a better memory than yours.

Ravenstahl:  But he's just a rat.

Gus:  I'm a rich rat. Thank you very much.

Sammy:  I don't get to meet any rich rats. Most of the rats I know don't have any spare change when you ask them.

BKN: That's very interesting. Let's move on. Gus. You still get the next pick.

Gus:  Sci Fi for $200.

BKN:  The John Carpenter movie, The Thing, was based on this thrilling short story.

Gus:  What is, Who Goes There?

BKN:  Correct for $200. So far Gus is ahead at $400.

Ravenstahl:  And so far I still think he's cheating.

BKN:  Just how do you think Gus is cheating?

Ravenstahl:  Hell. I don't know. Maybe he's got a mirror in his pocket or something. Maybe I should get some cops to search him.

BKN:  Maybe after the show. Gus. It's all you.

Gus:  Sci Fi for $300.

BKN:  This Australian based Science Fiction series featured a variety of aliens such as the Delvians, Hynerians, and the dreaded Scarrans.

Gus:  Sorry. You got me on that one.

Ravenstahl:  Ha! Not so smart now you big rat! In your face, Mickey.

BKN:  Can you answer the question, Mr Mayor?

Ravenstahl:  Well. Not really. What channel was this show on?

BKN:  Sammy?

Sammy:  What is Farscape?

BKN:  Correct.

Sammy:  I remember that because I used to watch that show through the window of this guy's apartment every Friday while he was making out with his wife.

BKN:  I imagine that was quite a distraction. You get to pick the next category.

Sammy:  I'm feeling lucky, dude. I'll take Mythical Maniacs for $100.

BKN:  This fearsome creature is said to haunt the deserts of Texas and New Mexico. And has a taste for the blood of small livestalk.

Sammy:  Damn. Beats the hell outta me. Can't be a racoon. Can it?

BKN:  Sorry.

Sammy:  Too Bad. Ever wake up next to a racoon? Trust me. It aint pleasant.

Ravehstahl:  Yeah. Just like some of my Ex girlfreinds.

BKN:  Mr Mayor. Can you answer the question?

Ravenstahl:  Yeah. Gimme a second.

(Ravenstahl turns his back and reaches into his pocket. It appears that he has a cell phone in his hand.)

BKN:  Mr Mayor. Are you holding a cell phone?

Ravenstahl:  No. I don't think so.

BKN:  You mind turning around and showing me your hands then?

(Behind me I hear the ring tone of a cell phone I turn to face the studio audiance. Sitting in the front row is Ravenstahl's police officer bodyguard, Jimmy. Jimmy takes a cell phone out of his pocket and shuts it off.)

Ravenstahl:  Ok. I was calling my bodyguard, Jimmy to make sure he was awake. He has a consipation problem and always nods off a lot.

BKN:  Don't you mean that he has narcolepsy?

Yeah: That too. Damn, Jimmy. You're a sick man. Maybe you should take a day off.

BKN:  Moving along and getting a bigger headache. Gus.

Gus:  What is a Chupacabra?

BKN:  Correct for $100.

Gus:  Mythical Maniacs for $200 please.

BKN:  This mythical maniac was said to haunt cemetaries at night to make a meal out of the recently deceased.

Gus:  What is a ghoul?

BKN:  Right again. Gus you are on a roll.

Ravenstahl:  Yeah. He's on a roll. Kind of funny how he's on a roll.

BKN:  What are you trying to say, Luke?

Ravenetahl:  I'm saying that maybe this big rat is cheating.

BKN:  And just how do you think Gus is cheating?

Ravenstahl:  Hell. I don't know. Maybe he's got a GPS or something.

BKN:  Do you know what a GPS is, Luke?

Ravenstahl:  What is you plug it into your X-Box 360. Right? Hear that everybody? I got one right. How much was that one worth?

BKN:  That question wasn't one of the categories.

Ravenstahl:  Why the hell not? Look, I got it right. Didn't I?

BKN: Actually no. You were way off.

Ravenstahl:  You wanna know something? This show is a piece of stinkin crap. I passed up a chance to hang out at Chuck E Cheese for this?

BKN:  One of life's disappointments. Gus. It's all you.

Gus:  I'll take Gangsters for $100.

BKN:  Lester Gillis is the alias of this Chicago mobster who was once fired from Al Capone's gang.

Gus:  Who was Baby Face Nelson?

BKN:  Gus is right Again.

Ravenstahl:  I'm not surprized.

Gus:  You know what, pal. Sounds like you're jealous because I'm smarter than you. Ever think about spending some time in the library?

Ravenstahl:  You ever think about spending some time in a rat trap?

Sammy:  Funny you should say that. Just yesterday I was hanging out behind McDonalds when this guy puts out these rat traps. I'm still trying to figure out a way to get the cheese out of those things without getting my finger's hurt.

BKN:  Gus. You're still up.

Gus:  Gangsters for $200.

BKN:  This Chicago mobster started out as a barber. Then after he joined Al Capone's gang he was known as the Enforcer.

Gus:  Who was Frank Nitti?

BKN:  Correct.

Gus:  Gangsters for $300.

BKN:  In New York this gangster joined forces with Benjaman Bugsy Seigel.

Gus:  Who was Meyer Lansky?

BKN:  Right again.

Ravenstahl: OK. That's it. This rat is cheating and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. Jimmy. Get your ass up here and make some arrests. I want this rat to get a full body cavity search.

Jimmy: (shouting out from the audiance) We can't do that. I keep telling you that we can't do these things.

Sammy:  Hey, chill out dude. So the rat went to collage and you're still in high school. Leave him alone.

Ravenstahl:  Oh. Am I supposed to take orders from you? You know who you're talking to? You walking dust rag. I'm the mayor of Pittsburgh. The big mack daddy. At least I don't have to pick through McDonald's trash to get my breakfast.

Sammy:  For your information, little shaver. I don't pick through McDonald's trash to get nothin. I got my self respect. I only pick through trash from Red Lobster and all them other high class places.

BKN:  Only the best for you, Sammy.

Sammy:  Damn straight.

Ravenstahl:  Only the best? Is that right? Well too bad you can't use the best soap, you bum. It's a shame I can't put a tax on the amount of dirt your carrying. Pittsburgh would be on easy street.

Sammy:  Tough talk coming from a guy who's not old enough to go on half the rides in Disneyland. You really want to be a tough guy? How's about meeting me outside in the alley after the show?

Ravenstahl:  Oh, you think I can't kick your ass? You Human roach motel. I'll put it to the audiance. Hey. How many of you people think that I can kick this bum's ass?

(I turn and look towards the studio audiance. Other than a man coughing there is silence. After I few more seconds I think I heard a cricket chirping.)

BKN:  Well look at the time. Final jeopardy. And not a moment too soon. And the category is science. And here is the question. What are the three kingdom's in nature?

(I watch and wait as the three contestants write down their wagers and answers. I also thank God that I'm not hosting Wheel of Fortune with this trio.)

BKN:  If you're all finished then let's start with. Sammy. What's your answer?

Sammy:  Three kingdoms? I put down birds, fish and bugs. And I bet my $100. Any chance that I'm right?

BKN:  About the same chance that the Pirates would have a winning season this year.

Sammy: That bad? Ouch.

Ravenstahl:  Looks like you'll be going home with the same pocket lint that you came here with. Good thing you're a bum. You probably don't even notice that you're broke.

Sammy:  Oh yeah? Well I'm also a match maker too. And right now I predict that my foot and your ass will really make a romantic couple.

BKN:  Mr Ravenstahl. Your answer, please.

Ravenstahl:  My answer? You were asking about three kingdoms. Right? The only kingdoms I remember is on Lord of the Rings. One of them was that place where the Hobbits lived. And the other was Mordor.

BKN:  In any case your answer is way off. How much did you wager?

Ravenstahl:  $14,000,000.

BKN:  You wagered $14,000,000? Are you out of your mind? You didn't have anywhere near that much from the start.

Ravenstahl:  Gimme a break. I needed the money to try to fix the pension fund back in Pittsburgh. This was my best shot.

BKN:  Unfortunately you just shot yourself in the foot. And now we come to Gus. What was your answer?

Gus:  I put down what is animal, vegatable, and mineral. And my bet was $1,000.

BKN:  The answer was correct. And that makes Gus the winner with a total of $2,000.

Ravenstahl:  No way.

(Ravenstahl walks over and kicks Gus' stool. The stool and Gus both tip over and fall to the floor. Gus lays on the floor and doesn't move after that.)

Sammy:  Ok. That's it, pal. It's your turn. I'm gonna enjoy eating your face.

(Ravenstahl turns and runs, with an enraged Sammy in close pursuit. Gus is still laying on the floor unconscious.And this concludes our latest edition of celebrity jeopardy.)